Far away

I'm gonna try not to make this too sappy but really thats what I am. A big sap that worries too much. Yes I know I worry too much and I don't really discriminate concerning what I worry about. I pretty much worry about everything. Now that I'm 26 I have a feeling this is something that isn't going to change too much either. I mean, isn't that what doctors are? Professional worriers? Isn't that what you want your doctor to be? I think that I do. If I go see the doctor, I want him or her to worry that they are doing the right thing to make me better. That if I am sick they are going to worry. And not the kind of doctor that has to be taught to worry (yes, they do give classes here for that type of thing. Probably the only classes I really don't have to go to but do anyways because it makes me feel so good to be a natural at something in this crazy place called medical school). So, in other terms, doesn't worry just mean care. Maybe I can turn this around and say that I actually just care too much. And then when you think of it that way is it a bad thing to care too much? I would say no to that. If you want to go to a doctor when you're sick that doesn't worry (or even had to be taught to worry) then by all means I'm sure you can find that person but please don't come to me. I'm not gonna be that doctor and, well, not that person either.

Ok, back to the point of the post. I'm sad today. Sad or maybe just feeling bad for myself or maybe both but yes, I'm definitely a bit sad. I can't be with Ben on his wedding today which is making me the most sad. Its such a happy day for him and I really am excited and happy for him but just sad that I can't be there to share the day. I know that its going to be beautiful, overlooking the pier that we surfed together, down the street from both the houses we grew up in and with all of his wonderful family and friends gathered around. I know my spirit will be there with him even if I technically can't and yes, I realize that it is just one day that he'd be too busy to even know I was there but anyways, I still wish I was and thats that.

I wrote him and Carrie a letter yesterday to commemorate the day and it made me cry. Yes, I was sitting on my bed, surrounded by anatomy books and notes and crying. And then the person that I want the most to curl up with and make me feel better is just as far away if not farther and thats another thing that makes me sad. The thing of it is, being all the way over here and being forced to be on my own, I'm learning how to console myself. To make myself feel better. What a strange yet wonderful concept. A little crazy that I'm just learning this now but it seems to work oddly enough. I definitely have enough study to keep me busy till the end of time and a comfy/happy room with housemates that are great at distracting me from my homesickness but I pretty much handled it all myself, and, well am still handling it really but its getting better.

Wow. This was pretty long and I need to get to anatomy so I'm gonna hop to it. I can't put it off forever.