Life is good

The endocrine exam is over and done with and the sun is out in full force. Its like the world has also realized that the tests are over for a little while and a break is seriously needed. I just got back from the roof patio at Russel's where we all had a pint and soaked up the sunshine. Finally able to relax as warm the breeze rejuvenated our tired, haven't seen life outside our house for a week, faces and suddenly it hit me. It has hit me before but this time was definitely just a little bit different and more meaningful in a way. Just sitting there happy as a clam and listening to Greg when all of a sudden I notice his accent and then Andrew said something and I became strangely aware of his as well. This is my life. I live in Dublin. I have a house full of friends down the street from this pub in Ranelagh. I am half way done with my exams of my 1st year of medical school. Wow.

Maybe exam time makes me more emotional. Or maybe I put so much of myself into these exams because I 'm aware of just how big they are and what they mean to my life and career and I just can't help myself from feeling and happy at this whole crazy situation.

Oh, so on a side note. I seem to have an exam time pattern forming. Last semester I left my laser card at a shop after an exam. So today I left my wallet at college after the exam and realized it while I was on the Luas (the tram here) just as the ticket collectors were stepping onto the car. Maeve rang Andrew 2 seconds later and said she had my wallet, with my ticket in it of course, and would bring it home. So I got a fine from the guy, but really I look at it like a right of passage in Dublin. I mean you probably don't technically live in Dublin without getting caught riding the Luas without a ticket at least once. I can mail in my proof and not have to pay anyways and my wallet is safe and sound (for now!) so all is good.

So, for anyone wanting to keep track, I have Neuroscience and Health Behavior next Tuesday and Wednesday and Clinical Competencies the following Monday. Oh and just 35 more days and then...I'm home!

my hand hurts

I wish I was ambidextrous...

All this writing is cramping up my hand. The test was just so-so this morning. I don't really know what to do with a test like that. Poor grammer was my first response. That and the fact that there were at least 2 or 3 right answers for about half of the MCQ's. Plus, they gave us 7 essay questions (we were only expecting 6), first without letting us know how much time we had per question exactly so I immediately felt rushed and when I feel rushed in an exam essentially based upon bs I am officially a goner. About an hour later, I had rambled my way through 7 pages barely feeling like I was brushing the surface of the questions let alone fully answer them. I could have taken the 10 minutes I had per question to make an outline of my introduction. (But that's what I get for being an English major in medical school.) While I was sure everyone else was getting straight to the point I am contemplating and working out every little if, and, but and maybe that made the question, well...retarded. 10 minutes for an essay on bias, ethics and pharm co. sponsorship of research and why results always seem to go their way is not my idea of a good time.

Ok, now that I've gotten that off my chest I can move on. The other reason why my hand hurts are all these notes for endocrinology I am outlining for the test Friday! Friday AHHH! Oh geez I gotta go. The best news of the day: Chezzy, my favorite yellow lab, is spending the night tonight. I am totally a sucker for the cutie!

a perfect day for study

Raining, windy, cold, you name it. It is one of those typical Dublin days where you would be happy to have to stay inside with books and pens and study, drinking tea...

But then what do I have to do, spend 4 hours running around in the rain to take care of everything to renew my passport. Photo, bank, post office, leaving my ATM card at the bank, you name it. I just got home and I am starting to feel stressed about not being able to finish all my study by tomorrow's test in Evidence Based Health. The good news is that I will, with a 95% confidence interval of .01 (ah ha, see I am studying!), receive my passport in enough time to make it on my flight home. My flight home in, thats right, just 38 days!

Just 4 more written finals and one clinical exam to go. Wish me luck :)

yes, im OK

Things aren't really as bad as I've been making them sound (DUH right?!). Just going back and reading my post from last night, I hope I didn't scare anyone too much. I find it easy to become a little over dramatic here and, well, when things aren't wonderful (such as finals tend not to be) I just fall right into that trap laid out for me. I found this a little while ago on a doctor's blog and found it funny and interesting so because I'm doing so hot on the fun, uplifting stuff at the moment, I'd thought I'd share maybe just a bit of the fun and exciting world I'm headed into.
(taken from internalmedicinedoctor.blogspot.com)

"Tomorrow, 7 am sharp, I embark on a new journey. I will be head of the team. This team will encompase one Attending, one Resident (that is I), two Interns (first year residents), one Sub-Intern/ fourth year med-student (from here on the “Sub-I”), and two third year med-students (a.k.a. “Students”).

To serve the readership yet unfamiliar with the medical hierarchy that governs today’s fine medical establishments I will now take the time to explain this stepladder of ass-slurpers. The understanding of this is essential for our future relationship and so if you have any questions feel free to ask.

I will comprise the list to range from least kissed ass to practically dripping. Remember, each member of the team has a primary goal, a secondary goal (if applicable), friends and enemies. It is long; I am sorry for this, but essential for the upcoming month. Let us begin:

1- The Students/ Third Year Med-School

Primary goal: To impress Attending and Resident with knowledge we were sure they never had. Secondary goals: To cloud a simple clinical scenario by suggesting that the patient has as many extremely rare diseases as possible, to name a disease the Resident hasn’t heard of and to send out for as many of the most expensive blood tests we have as the Resident allows. The sub-I is their best friend as he is closer to the resident and is always up to date on their performance thus far. Enemy: Interestingly enough, they are each other’s enemy as they are always being judged comparatively to each other. This undercurrent of hate is masked very well and only a thorough Freudian understanding of the subconscious can uncover it.

2- The Sub-I

Primary goal: Impress attending, Sub-I’s need recommendation letters for the residency match so they too can be taken advantage of by residency programs and government. Secondary goal: Discharge patients, less patients mean less work and try not to sound like Student by naming any rare disease.

The Sub-I’s friends are the Intern and the Resident, possibly third year but only if they agree to do his blood draws. Enemy: Patients with extremely rare diseases (makes Sub-I extremely uncomfortable as he now has to sound like Student).

3- Intern

Primary goal: Discharge patients. Intern will do or say anything to achieve this goal as he/she is usually overworked and would love to have one less family and upcoming tragedy to deal with. Secondary goal: Anything that ends in less patients (I cannot stress this enough).

Their friends are the other interns, amazing bonus point if able to really swing Resident to their “point of view” (often wrong!). Enemies: Patients!!!!
4- Resident (my new position)

Primary goal: To impress Attending and Chief of Medicine while also keeping Intern happy, motivated and feeling that Resident is truly on his side. Secondary goal: Constantly remember that Interns LIE! Again, they do anything to get patients out and Resident must continually double check Intern behind Intern’s back as INTERNS LIE! Friends: The Attending and other Residents. Enemies: Everyone on a certain level: as Interns LIE, Sub-I wants information primarily for Student, Student wants to name rare disease and make Resident look bad. To counteract Student, Resident must immediately say “I don’t know that but why don’t you give us a presentation on this tomorrow morning” (Gotcha Ya Bastard!).

5- Attending Doctor

Primary goal: Come for 2 hours in morning, teach, and leave as fast as possible, keep name out of chart so no one knows who to sue later. No Secondary goal. Friend: All. Enemy: No one. Remain completely oblivious to the ass smooching going on a round you. Wipe ass off after morning round.

6- Chief of Medicine

Primary Goal: Teach and run Medicine Department. Secondary goal: Absorb all ass-kissing, taking it all in as one continuous lick that lasts for many years. Secondary goal: Try to remain seemingly very humble, once in while give a lecture which makes every resident in the room feel like he knows absolutely nothing/ give up his medical license and go back to medical school.

This is the system within which we all operate. If there are any questions please feel free to ask. Tomorrow, I will do my best to avoid all questions and appease Intern to join my view of things. This will be my greatest chess match yet."

-posted by Internal Medicine Doctor

And it hasn't even really started yet!

I wonder if I will never see this house the same again? It has become the study center of pain, torture, whatever you want to call it. It wreaks of it in here. There is this stink that doesn't go away now. I can open as many windows as I can and it still stinks. There are random bouts of laughing and such but then nothing for what seems like ages. Now I look at going home as freedom from this which makes the homesickness so much more meaningful. Its huge at the moment. I am fully aware of the fact that with every passing minute, hour, day I'm getting dangerously close the ultimate pit of torture but then it doesn't seem to matter much because its also bringing me closer to my haven. So time, keep on ticking by as fast as you possibly can. Speeding through all this will help me more than anything else right now.

I need excuses to go outside!

Ok, so I've been in the house surrounded my computers, notes and books for about a day and a half and have yet to go outside. I know that I'll go on my run today so at least I have that to look forward to but other than that....

I am well stocked as far as food, drinks (mostly tea) and study supplies go so I really have no good reason to leave the house. Not to mention that its cold and windy out there. Plus, I'm pretty darn comfortable wearing my scrub bottoms and sweatshirts now so theres the whole issue of having to get dressed too. This is what I wanted right? Not to have to do anything else but study. AHHH, I think I might go crazy. What was I thinking?

At least I have Andrew and Greg here to keep me company (although, I have to keep to my room as much as possible because they can be a little too much of a distraction sometimes.) Greg is cooking up a good meal for me tonight which is something yummy to make me smile. And I think I might have sorted out subletters for my room for the summer so that is a good thing too. I wonder if I can take a break at some point for venturing into the great outdoors for something good. Hmmm, I wonder what will it be for though???

Yuck

I'm in the process of outlining an endocrine lecture just about calcium, yes calcium, that is 99 slides. 99 slides. (Did the lecturer think that 100 was just 1 too many?) Seriously, this is about the most boring medicine can possibly get. God I hope I don't kill myself before the end...

One done!

Yippie! The oral (I'll just punch you in the face with this part of a cadaver here and watch you squirm) test is over and I'm off to rock climbing! I'm so gonna kill that wall today :D

Far away

I'm gonna try not to make this too sappy but really thats what I am. A big sap that worries too much. Yes I know I worry too much and I don't really discriminate concerning what I worry about. I pretty much worry about everything. Now that I'm 26 I have a feeling this is something that isn't going to change too much either. I mean, isn't that what doctors are? Professional worriers? Isn't that what you want your doctor to be? I think that I do. If I go see the doctor, I want him or her to worry that they are doing the right thing to make me better. That if I am sick they are going to worry. And not the kind of doctor that has to be taught to worry (yes, they do give classes here for that type of thing. Probably the only classes I really don't have to go to but do anyways because it makes me feel so good to be a natural at something in this crazy place called medical school). So, in other terms, doesn't worry just mean care. Maybe I can turn this around and say that I actually just care too much. And then when you think of it that way is it a bad thing to care too much? I would say no to that. If you want to go to a doctor when you're sick that doesn't worry (or even had to be taught to worry) then by all means I'm sure you can find that person but please don't come to me. I'm not gonna be that doctor and, well, not that person either.

Ok, back to the point of the post. I'm sad today. Sad or maybe just feeling bad for myself or maybe both but yes, I'm definitely a bit sad. I can't be with Ben on his wedding today which is making me the most sad. Its such a happy day for him and I really am excited and happy for him but just sad that I can't be there to share the day. I know that its going to be beautiful, overlooking the pier that we surfed together, down the street from both the houses we grew up in and with all of his wonderful family and friends gathered around. I know my spirit will be there with him even if I technically can't and yes, I realize that it is just one day that he'd be too busy to even know I was there but anyways, I still wish I was and thats that.

I wrote him and Carrie a letter yesterday to commemorate the day and it made me cry. Yes, I was sitting on my bed, surrounded by anatomy books and notes and crying. And then the person that I want the most to curl up with and make me feel better is just as far away if not farther and thats another thing that makes me sad. The thing of it is, being all the way over here and being forced to be on my own, I'm learning how to console myself. To make myself feel better. What a strange yet wonderful concept. A little crazy that I'm just learning this now but it seems to work oddly enough. I definitely have enough study to keep me busy till the end of time and a comfy/happy room with housemates that are great at distracting me from my homesickness but I pretty much handled it all myself, and, well am still handling it really but its getting better.

Wow. This was pretty long and I need to get to anatomy so I'm gonna hop to it. I can't put it off forever.

happy friday ramble

Alright, so I wasn't totally being honest before about anatomy. Today I went (voluntarily mind you) for 3 and a half hours to go over specimens, models, bones and skeletons. I think I'm a lot closer now to being ready for the practical exam and that feels pretty good. I swear I think that 3 hours of anatomy room study was like doing 6 hours of regular study. Non-stop and the time just flew by. I only had to stop finally cuz I couldn't ignore the rumbling of my tummy telling me it was lunch time. I love not having to go to lectures. Lectures are for sissys I say. How much more do I get out of moving around and holding stuff in my hands. I sooo want to be a surgeon at the moment. Oh, and I don't want to do anything involved with knowing intimate details of the brain that's for sure. I have 4 months till my next lecture and that feels great. Great on my back too. I always get a sore back sitting in those chairs for 6-8 hours a day. Now its either the couch or bed for me. I love that too. Oh, or in the grass at the park. My favorite place to run and do my working out since it's been so much nicer outside. I'm back to studying now and I think it will be the same routine tonight (a late night run shower, dinner (spaghetti as usual), and little bit of a movie that I can fall asleep to in my too-big-for me oh-so-comfy bed) but, well, we'll just have to wait and see.

Gettin closer

Today was the official last day of classes for my first year.  Quite an incredible accomplishment. In some way though, I feel like I've just begun considering what I have ahead of me.  Its a little bit overwhelming to have 3 weeks of finals to plow through.  Sorta what I think running a few marathons would feel like.  I really didn't get into my study groove until about 6ish tonight and then at 9 (since its still light out until about 10) I knew that I had to go on my run.  Only ran about 2 miles at the park and did my other working out stuff too but it felt really good and I'm glad I took the break.  The only problem is when I got back, showered, made and ate dinner it was 11 and thats about the time I'm just too tired for neuroanatomy stuff to have any chance of sinking in.  Greg and I decided to watch a bit of the Neverending Story and before it was over I was falling faster and faster into the couch. I really hope I have dreams about Falcore the flying puppy-dog dragon and not about the differences between upper and lower motor nerve lesions. Oh, but I do want to say a special thank you to Cintia for explaining why we test superior oblique and inferior oblique muscles in the eye the way that we do.  That was so awesome and now I totally get it.  How did I get so lucky to have my very own Brazilian Japanese pediatric ophthalmologist and eye muscle surgeon with time to spare to help me? 

Where I wish I was instead of the anatomy room today

The amazing thing is that today was my last official anatomy class! Well that is until the exam on Monday and then it will officially be over. Greg says its sorta sad. I'm just excited to get to see live patients more often then dead ones for the rest of my life. How awesome is that!?!

a little insight

Yesterday at rock climbing Kathryn told me that I climb just like my personality. I decide on a way, take a look at the hold and then just all out go for it, no messing around, not too much thinking, and I don't let go either.

I think she's probably right.

The madness begins

The quiz of the month is out of the way. I passed which is good but its not worth that much so there wasn't that much stress around it. Any nerves I have at the moment are due to my anatomy room final next Monday. It is the sole reason I am missing Ben's wedding and as it is an oral exam and I get really nervous being quizzed orally this is probably my most stressful final. The one good thing about this test, and this will make sense to those of you who know my diving meet strategy and know how I like to get gainers out of the way first, I am thankful it is first and I can get it out of the way. Unfortunately, unlike gainers (that I'll never have to do another one ever again if I don't want to), I'll be having oral quizzes for the rest of my life so I know I better get used to this stress. Let's hope that my stomach is as strong as I think it is and I won't be getting any ulcers in the coming years (great. another thing to worry about.)

Dublin has its surprises

Just when you think the sun has forgotten all about this little city, it decides to surprise us all and make an appearance. Yesterday was warm, hot even! I could barely believe I was actually going outside in shorts and a tank top to the park where I could lay in the sun to read and people watch and not be cold at all. The wind even left us all alone for a while too. It was fabulous, a truly magical experience. Great day in fact. Studies in the morning, sun at midday, home to make dinner for friends, exciting hockey game with my 4 favorite Canadian girls (also big hockey fans), falling asleep watching a good movie. Loved every second of yesterday.

The sun is still out today but the wind is too and its back to being chilly. Oh well, at least I made the most of it. Back to studying too which is not the most fun. Friends were going to the ocean but I have a lot to do before cardsigning tomorrow and I wanted to go climbing tonight with Robyn so I had to pass.

Last night we were all talking, and I found out that I'm not the only one that has lost motivation to study like I used to. It seems like everyone is making summer plans and getting more and more distracted as the days go by instead of more and more focused like we know we should. I'm doing my best but its really hard. Really really hard.